The idea of love without expectations in a romantic relationship is noble. We all want to be loved unconditionally. Not so? This type of love however, in its narrowest definition, is difficult if not impossible but most importantly, calls for maturity.

What is love if it is not unconditional?

In the purest sense, love is selfless. It’s a no strings attached sort of affair with regard to matters of the heart. In love you only have two choices- everything or nothing at all. There is no in between. There is no taking some and leaving some. There’s just choosing to love or not to love. Anything in between is a tired and self- interested excuse in the name of love.

Here’s how you love without expectations:

You become self satisfied. Because here’s the thing about expectations: at the root of expectation is need. Need for others to accept you, to validate you, to tell you that you’re good, worthwhile and strong. It’s true you need someone you can rely on but that person has to be you. If you can do that for yourself – if you are self sufficient then the expectation for other people to fulfil your needs and desires disappear.

You love yourself first. Not necessarily most or best, but first. You don’t cancel plans that you were excited about because someone else wanted your time. You don’t rearrange your schedule to accommodate a person who may bail at the last moment. When you start to make unnecessary compromises such as these you’ll expect him/her to do the same. At the end of the day, if everyone else flakes and fails to show, you will still be there. So put in the work. Have those self care day offs. Become someone you’d pick over a flakey guy.

To love without expectations, you learn to appreciate what’s there. Other people are not ours to have and to hold, whether in sickness or in health. In a world full of entitled people, you choose not to become one of them. In a situation where more is needed, you become grateful for what is there, you communicate and lead by example.

You understand that everyone has their own demons and nobody owes it to you to fight them. You learn that you can only have control of your actions and never that of anyone else. Unless up to a certain degree. You may have a strong personality with opinions that are hard to dissuade. At the end of it all though, when push comes to shove we as humans are bound to do as we please regardless of the consequences.

You learn to detach from your personal investment in why people do what they do, because chances are it doesn’t exist. You understand that you have little to do with other people’s actions and you learn to be fine with that.

To love without expectations, you become realistic. You remember occasions where you yourself could not meet the high bars you set. Situations where you fell short. Situations you were not able to live up to expectations other people set for you. Where for one reason or another life happened as it did. Remember that reason. And that other people have their own reasons as well- reasons that may have nothing to do with you in the slightest.

Sometimes what you want and what you need is not always the same thing. To love without expectations, you must know the difference. Who to love and who to leave becomes simple. And expectation ceases.