There is a high school in this country that almost never knew what it felt like to burn… what it smelled like as gasoline drenched the dormitory walls… It almost never knew the sound a matchstick makes when its tiny flame erupts in spontaneity. Almost… that school would have escaped its literal hell on earth fiasco only if a friend of mine was never born.

“I’m the first guy to burn down my school.” My friend said proudly when a topic about high school popped up. When I heard him confess to arson I legit got excited. I buttered the excitement with numerous questions shoved down his gullet. “Why did you do it? When did the idea to do it first occur to you? What did it feel like watching the flames dance?” I am a sucker for villainous traits.. I guess it’s why most of the girls I’ve dated are psychopaths.

My arsonist buddy didn’t answer all my questions, he didn’t really need to.. He knew me well enough to know that all I cared about was one key detail. That one thing that erupted within him that coaxed him to get the school lit… Literally. “It was during the mock exams.” He started, “and I was doing a chemistry paper that was really hard so I decided to just burn down the school.” There.. That was his explanation for committing arson.. I hope you get the gist of it all.. He literally decided to burn down the school because the exam was hard!

I have been to high school, same as most of us. I have done the mock exams though to be honest I don’t really remember if they were hard or not.. It’s not that I’m a genius, mind you, I just don’t really remember much from high school other than bread. Bread was one of my greatest obsessions.. All I cared about was bread and the closing date.. I’d count the days to the closing day while eliminating weekends because of entertainment. And night time because then I’d be asleep. All in order to know how many hours I had to suffer the confines of high school while being aware of said suffering.

High school always felt like a posh prison. Though never did I think to myself “Fuck this, It’s time for the school to burn.” When my arsonist buddy shared his thought process from Chemistry exam, that’s hard let me just burn down the school. I wondered whether he was the only one I knew of who has ever experienced such a thing. Such a movement from: thought that’s in relation- to what I’m doing – random extreme thought about something I can do about what I’m doing in order to transform it- Following through with action… Is such a thought process normal? Is such a thing common? Turns out he wasn’t the only one.

KEYS

In primary school I had one job which was to open classes. I lived closest to the school so it was easy for me to be the first to arrive. It was a really weird school, looking back I realize they trusted me way too much. The headmaster was probably like “Instead of the watchman whom we totally for some reason do not trust. Let us hand the keys that open all the classes to a pupil who lives closest to the school. ” I’m sure the deputy went like “but sir, most of the pupils are retarded. Sure, they won’t steal anything but they’ll definitely lose the keys. ” They probably argued over the matter. For some reason they seemed to trust us more than the freaking watchman and decided to settle with the least retarded pupil.

I wasn’t the first option for the job. I definitely wasn’t the only one who lived close to the school nor the least retarded. The first custodian lost his job after loosing the keys. I remember that morning getting to school only to see him walking around the field, looking for the keys. Some pupils helped him search for it among the tall grass. The others stood outside their classroom doors excited as fuck and low-key hoping school was canceled.

That afternoon I got appointed as the school’s new Key guy.. I was furious, It meant I had to wake up earlier than usual and I’m definitely not a morning person. Or a night person. I am a confused person. The duty meant my constant confused state had to be put aside in order for me to bear the responsibility. Later on, the former Key guy whom I replaced told me how he’d lost the keys. Turns out that whole walking around the grass early morning ‘Searching for the keys’ was all an act. He knew where the keys were, he just didn’t know how to tell anyone without them questioning his sanity.

See, my friend was heading to a latrine after school to relieve himself while still wearing his uniform and the school keys were in his short pocket. Now you think you have an idea of what transpired resulting in lost keys but your idea is flawed because there is an extra element to this tale. A key element actually, in the form of a warm head attire that covers the entire head and neck leaving only the face. It’s common with toddlers and motorcyclists… It’s slang name is Mboshori.

Now you’re like ‘What the fuck?’ That was the same thought that flashed across my mind when my friend explained what happened to the keys resulting in his firing from the much coveted position of the School’s Key guy… entering the latrine he saw a dirty mboshori lying on the ground.. Right outside the latrine he was going to take a piss at. There was only one though in his mind as he stared at the discarded dirty mboshori on the ground. “I’m going to piss on it.”

Like the arson guy wasn’t okay with a hard Chemistry exam so did the key guy relish in boredom with the whole idea of urinating.. He decided to spice things up.. There was a yearn to make his pissing experience monumental if not legendary.. He took the mboshori and placed it on top of the latrine’s hole “I’m gonna piss on it and force it to fall into the latrine.” That was his second thought, one that aimed at changing his situational boredom concerning the whole process of urinating.

My buddy took a piss on the toddler head attire and to his surprise the pressure from his piss wasn’t enough to actually drop the mboshori in.. He stared at it in awe after his bladder ran empty.. A part of him felt rage at the head attire that refused to submit! “How hard is it for this thing to drop?” he asked himself as he paced outside the latrine with his hands in his pocket.. Then he felt the keys and an idea came to mind.

Early the next day he beat around the school’s tall grass with several other pupils while looking for the keys.. Keys he knew very well he’d dropped on top of a defiant mboshori to see if it can be as defiant towards the school keys as it was to his piss. Keys he knew very well were lying inside a latrine surrounded by shit, piss and a mboshori.

Do you wonder if you’ll ever go through such a drastic thought process? From something simple to something extreme that’s backed with action. It frightens me in a way, the fact that you can be a normal person living a normal life then suddenly your mind goes like “Why are you being normal bythaway? Don’t be boring, fuck yourself up, fuck things up!” the next thing you know you’ve sold all your things and moved to northern Ireland to live off the rest of your days as a mountain goat.