I woke up today to a song by one of our local Kenyan artist playing on the radio. The song is titled Ex sang by Nikita Kering. It’s basically a dedication to a suitor where she clarifies that she is willing to avoid the hurt of their break up which is inevitable. It got me thinking of all the times I had my heart ripped out of my chest and trampled on and how it felt.

In a conversation on Classic FM morning show today, Maina and Kingangi were discussing how badly people are handling this heart breaks. The main topic of discussion being the couple in Kiambu which met their early demise at the hands of the man. He shot his wife and later turned the gun on himself. Cases like this are depressing because you may never know what pushed this man to do such a thing.

“Maneno ya watu wawili wachana nayo.”

As the popular kenyan saying goes, what transpires between two people is best kept between them. Is that really the best approach to take? I believe the increase in love related suicides and murders is answer enough that this analogy we live by isn’t working at all.

Though it is true that when you are experiencing troubles with your better half, it’s best you resolve them behind your bedroom doors. This doesn’t however mean that you should sit and let the feelings brew to a point of eruption. It is advisable to find someone you trust who can help you both rationalize the problems you are experiencing. If that doesn’t work then there is always the option of a breakup.

After getting through the first step and you have pronounced yourselves official exes, its time now to move on. This is usually an uphill task because although he/she is your ex you still have love for them.

So, how do you move on?

The first step is definitely acknowledging that the relationship was great while it lasted. You cannot move on without acceptance. Staying fixated on an ex only leads to obsession. You find yourself stuck on the general thought of you together that you end up going to extreme lengths just to rekindle that feeling even if it’s just for a short while. Where do you think stalkers come from? You have to be prepared emotionally and psychologically because with acceptance comes heartache.

It’s okay to miss her/him. Cry if you can it helps in exercising those excess emotions brewing in you. After you have accepted the new state of things then now you are in the right mind set to move on. Always remember how easy it is to find love and that sometimes it just finds you. With that thought you can now purge all things that remind you of the situation you are in.

It is always advisable to cut ties after the break-up. Don’t keep tabs on your ex at least for a certain period of time. This is usually determined by your feelings of course. I know you might be asking how you will know it’s the right time to make contact. The right time is usually the time you can interact with your ex without reverting to the old feelings you had.

This is usually a very difficult thing to do so you need to be prepared psychologically. One thing that is certain is that just because you guys broke up doesn’t mean your ex stops being attractive. You might find yourself checking the same boxes you did the first time you met them.

After keeping your distance it’s also advisable to make time and do things that please you. Take time off from work and plan a vacation for example. Avoid all the places you shared or the places that commemorated important times in your relationship. This gives you room and time to rediscover yourself and reset your mind generally pushing you to the path of healing.

Keep your friends close. Friends are very necessary in times of sadness or grief. They keep you distracted and help the load feel lighter. With friends around you, you can face the heartbreak better as you tend to feel your not doing it alone. Be careful of the the friends you confine in because some of the people you hold dear don’t have the same regard for you. Actually in some extreme cases they are the reasons behind the break up in the first place.

If so far you still cannot move on from your ex, then it is advisable to consider therapy. I know most people in Kenya are not as receptive to therapy as compared to other countries. But therapy provides a safe space to speak out your heart and mind without fear of judgement. A therapist carefully guides you through your confusing emotions and helps guide you to stability.

The final step is usually jumping back in the game. After getting in the right head space you are now ready to give dating another go. Please note that not unless you get over your ex any new relationship you formulate is at a risk. This is because you enter the relationship with a preset mind majorly comparing your ex to your new found love. Remember that people are different so, if you want to have a good experience take time to learn and understand your new partner.

Love is beautiful especially when shared. That’s why I loved you so much that I decided to share some little wisdom with you. Mr. Coffee Pot signing out.