Have you ever turned your back on love; from the man you heart, to…well other things? I did and that’s just the half of it.
This is for old time’s sake. Back when I didn’t have what I have now.
The Managed Heart
I watch him keenly as he attempts to go deeper; I try not to think about you but… It’s harder during nights like these. Sigh. I trace my hands on his soft skin attempting to focus on the now. I had another name – yours but it’s forbidden now. So many- things are forbidden now.
The years have taken all the fight out of me. No matter how much flattery I get, I say nothing. I have learnt to talk some and leave some. A rut in the road. Though at times I stick out into the future imagining what life could be and I end up thinking of you. But mostly I live between work and sex with my emotional disturbances like shade patterns in the woods. I’ve come to care only for three things in life and love is none of them.
I don’t intend to apologize for how I live my life, unfortunately. It is this essential part of nature that drives me to succeed. And it’s not as if I’m devoid of emotion; I fall in love with gourmet food, fine wine, expensive perfume, tall buildings with brilliant architecture and beautiful artwork. Not to mention a pair of killer heels. Like this one
I remember exactly how I got here, although not the precise moment when I made the decision to keep love at bay. Oddly enough I have no sense of guilt. I would like to tell everyone about you- the man I love(d) ever so deeply, here this instance. The past, however, dredges up a memory capable of opening old wounds. Suddenly other wounds will appear, I’m sure. And make the soul bleed more deeply.
There’s a depth of thought untouched by words and deeper still a gulf of feelings untouched by thought. Kumbe she writes. Lakini the memories always win then comes a demon far worse than melancholy – THE TRUTH.
In this past year, while pretending I didn’t need him, I wanted him. Sometimes I let my guard down and relished in his attention. Most of these times, I’d had one too many. One of these times, he’d had one too many. The truth is…he controls me with sex and I control him with sex. It’s a merry-go-round of pleasure which I’ve always enjoyed. He doesn’t even touch me but I feel it everywhere. Jt (my date) touches me everywhere and I feel it nowhere.
Again, I remind myself to focus.
Life has proven to be a fast dizzying game. It’s taking chances, falling over and getting up again. It’s wanting to get at the very top of yourself and feeling angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it. Well… love is worse.
The pitter-patter of droplets bleak, no end insight,
no grief complete -The cult of two
this endless sorrow for which I speak
Although my aim was to understand love and although I suffer to think of the man to whom I gave my heart, I see that he who touched my heart failed to touch my body and he who touched my body failed to touch my heart.
Tonight I’m sure I’ll dream of brown eyes and fair skin. I’ll be running through dark places with eerie strip lighting but I’m not sure if I’ll be running toward something or away from it.
, JOIN OUR
Nice and encouraging😊😊😊😊🤗🤗🤗
💯💯💯💯💯
Wow
. Just wow…
I needed this😂😂😂
I have to ask, was it easy writing that blog?
No. Not really. This is the sort of blogs One writes; you stop go take a shit, come back and words still don’t shape.
I’ll tell you all about my writing process and the number of shits I probably take in my next blog post “She writes”
You reflect my own elements.
😍😍😍
Relatable🤭 and encouraging
The fact you and so many others can relate to this, melts my heart. Knowing others feel or have felt the same thing you have… oouuff
😍😍 oh boy! But do I love the article
You thiiink, left in a conundrum of how you get your shit together
Ati I thiiiiink. Of course I think😂 someone has to do it.
Thanks for the love gurrrl.
Wow🤗🤗🤗
Very good piece almost relate-able just felt it as if its me can see myself
This all I want to hear
Wooow that cought me I was drowned in my own thoughts very good article indeed!!!
Thank you. I’m humbled.
Subscribe for more🙃
He controls u wth. Sex & u control him. Wth sex.. So interesting I love this
This is actually my 2nd favorite line in the article 🤸🏽♀️
Nice and encouraging article👌👏
Wah i can relate to this……….
Mind reader
This is amazing 🙌 you have such an awesome way with words
Nikujaribu tu😂 thank you 💜
Roller Coaster of pleasures….. I felt that💯
Great piece🔥
Thank you Gene
Simply amazing
I just started reading your work and Wow! Nice articles👌. I mean, the mere fact that one can read and make a link to it it’s just… nice, but you know what really stands out for me, it’s the ability you have to write your work in such a lucid style and still bring out its charm.
That’s a gift Madame Alpha👏…#
🤸🏽♀️🤸🏽♀️🤸🏽♀️🤸🏽♀️ Thank you. So you’d buy a magazine I’ve written 😂is that what you’re trying to say? I hope so
Babe. I love it 😍
Damn! Amazing piece, I have been there and I don’t think I could explain it as well as you have even to myself…
I can swear that this is why I write. To find people who relate to my personal story( or a fucked up version of it)
Please hang around longer. Kuna ka subscribe button na huko down( bottom of the page). I’ll make it worth your while.
Well…. It’s been a while since I read so much truth in bold words….. Go gal…. I love ur work….
I know lots of Pple can relate to this😀😀
This has to be one of my best reads this year. I’m almost asking for a back story of he who controls you with sex abd vice versa
You must be one lucky fellow, cause I’m posting the behind the scenes( as a comment) in a few
Wow awesome 😍😍
I really love your piece. Keep the fire burning 🔥. I feel like re-reading it every time.
“He doesn’t even touch me but I feel it everywhere”…..What a kafeeling!
🙊 I know. It’s addictive btw
Never related to a post like this one!!
Good job Liz👏🏽👏🏽
Amazing and Relatable
Awesome writing quite relatable
If I could write like this😍😍😍😍
Woooww
So warm and encouraging….more so relatable
There is 💯 truth in these words…such talent btw..the elements of this’character’.. reflect to the most of us out here..
BEHIND THE SCENES
I’d be lying if I said this particular blog wasn’t inspired from my personal life and how I choose to live it. Yes. There are real parts of me that I reveal in every article I write. Some more than others. However, most are simply exaggerated versions of the truth.
This isn’t one of them. This is a stark portrait of everything I feel and refuse to feel all at once.
Would you be surprised if I told you this blog was inspired by a horoscope reading? Which shamelessly and inadequately described my love life (or lack of thereof). Leading me to soul search.
For a blog this deep I needed to give myself and my partner some sort of assurance. The blurb (Italic part of this blog just before the title) was it. This was my way of stepping out from my happy place in order to write because sometimes reality can block creativity.