Once upon a time, I went on a short trip with my girlfriend. I have to emphasize that even though I’ve started with ‘Once upon a time’ this is not a fictional story. I just had to start like that because the girl in question no longer holds the same position in my life nor do I hold the same in hers. In fact she hates me right now. If given a choice between my torture and ending world hunger, she would legit ask whether she can bring popcorn to my torture session. But Once upon a time she loved me so it’s the her of that time that I write of now.

The trip I was to take with her was a short one. But I knew it was going to be long. This was due to the unmistakable fact that since the time I picked her, to the time when we sat down in the bus she had been on a constant bad mood. She was obviously pissed off over something. I am still trying to figure out what. The complications of the female gender! If it was a guy I’d immediately know the reason for the mood. Which could either be because of money or something football related or even a cancelled guy trip who knows. But with a girl it could be anything between the weather and a nail breaking.

I tried cracking a joke to lighten the mood but she just stared at me as if my nose was upside down on my face. I tried starting a conversation before the bus took off but all I was getting were one worded replies and the occasional glare.

The driver started the bus and the trip was on. As the bus was taking off I decided to romantically place my hand in hers.. You know…like they do in movies? But I realized that day that all movies are American based and this is Kenya. She held my hand, yes, but the way she did it can only be compared to a monkey that holds on to a mango as if another monkey is looking to yank it away. Her fingernails (which were long as fuck) dug into my palm as if there was buried treasure underneath my skin. I found myself wondering whether this was the start of a romantic tale or if it was just another bad trip.

I couldn’t pull my hand away because I was scared it might make her grumpier. So I pretended not to feel her claws digging in. Instead I raked my brain trying to figure out what I’d done wrong… Did she catch me checking out another girl’s bum while waiting for the bus? No that can’t be it, I was careful and whenever I ogled I did it with finesse. Did she hack my phone? No, she doesn’t even know how to save a Word Document, she can’t hack my phone. Did she know I didn’t actually plan this trip? No, she was too moody to notice the informative text from my friend with the directions to our destination.

Was it our anniversary? I have no fucking clue to that question man. I have a limited amount of memory in my brain for dates. The only dates in my mind were my birthday, her birthday and Cristiano Ronaldo’s birthday. Even if it was our anniversary it was too late to say anything about it anyway the trip was already on. So it was best to just play dumb. But still, it didn’t feel like it was our anniversary.

The glares were the worst. I’d occasionally snuck a glance at her only to find her staring out the window. I’d then avert my gaze and look at the seat ahead of me. Then try again a couple of minutes later to sneak another glance only to come eye to eye with her. She’d stare me down, I’d smile hoping to lighten the tension but she would not smile back. Every part of me knew I had done something wrong but at the same time no part of me knew what it was. I’d then avert my gaze and struggle with the feeling that she was still glaring at me. It was starting to feel like a long trip.

It reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. So I leaned in and asked her “Baby, what have I done wrong? You’re being..ahmm.. Are you angry at me?” I called her ‘Baby.’ I always referred to her as such. She thought it was cute and loved the pet name especially after I told her the reason I chose it for her, ‘It’s because you’re my baby girl, and like a baby I owe you all my attention.. I have to always be there for you… Always have to take care of your emotional, physical and mental needs’ … I was bullshitting her of course. The main reason I chose that pet name for her was because she cried everytime for no fucking reason.. Like a baby.

She smiled at me and tilted her head at my question, “Angry? I’m not angry at all Boo.” She replied to my question and smiled, tilting her head to show puzzlement at me guessing her obvious mood wrong. I was confused in the same way people who think Arsenal will one day win the League are confused. But that smile, and the psycho head tilt is why I’m weary of her pet name for me.. ‘Boo’.. She says she coined that name for me from an Usher song she loves but I think that’s a lie. I always felt like that word is what she’d use on me after an attempt on my life.. Like, right after she hacks off my dick with a machete she’d be like “Boo!”

I tried again, because I’m super persuasive and figuring out a girl is like bargaining for shoes, you have to be consistent and resilient with your pricing. “Baby, come on, I can tell you’re mad, is it that time of the month?” I knew immediately I’d finished saying those words that it was a mistake I’d made.. It wasn’t her time of the month but I am not always certain. It’s difficult to store dates in my brain like I said. I can’t keep track of both Manchester United’s game dates and people’s monthly cycle! Relationships are asking too much of my memory that is already poor due to years of highschool cramming! She flung my hand out of her palm and fully turned away to face the window. Was this going to be the nature of the trip?

I decided if she’s going to be all moody for no reason then I was going to be all moody too. Only my very legit reason was to get back at her. If there’s one thing she hated was me being on my phone. Especially whatsapp. I thought she hated it because she wanted more attention but that’s not it. If I take out my phone next to her, her entire being instantly becomes fixated on wanting to sneak a peek at it so as to see who it is I’m talking to. It’s not that she wants to do so it’s just that she can’t help it. It’s like my phone is a line of coke and she’s a crack addict. She wants to rub her face in it.

So I took out my phone and went to whatsapp. I had a male friend whom I’d told prior to going for my girlfriend that I was going to meet up with her. Then searched for a text from him asking if I was having fun with her. I felt my girlfriend shift beside me as I started typing my reply.(crack addict.) I knew her irises were at the edge of the whites of her eyes, straining in my direction, trying to sneaking a peek. She was trying to see the name of the person I was texting.. I placed a finger on the Contact name obscuring it on purpose. I guess this is the part where you understand why most of my exes call me a manipulator. Lol. I don’t give a shit.

I texted my friend a reply “I’m with her right now but chances of me fucking a lobster today are higher than today turning out to be fun.” It was a funny text but I’d underestimated just how funny it was. A girl who sat in the seat behind me burst out in laughter immediately I’d pressed the Send button . She laughed hard, causing me to turn to her. “Sorry for peeping.” She apologized “But that was a really funny text you just sent.” I smiled at her in return. It was indeed funny.. She continued laughing but her laughter cut short abruptly and I wondered why. I turned to face my girlfriend and my smile vanished.

She was staring at the girl. Her eyes sent a simple message ‘I will skin you alive bitch, then hang you on a tree and wear your skin as I watch your bare tissue flutter in the wind.’… I guess the look served its purpose because not a sound could be heard emanating from the girl seated behind me.. My girlfriend then turned to face me and I knew at that moment that she’d pull out a knife from her purse and stab my eyeball in with it and say, “Boo!”.. But she didn’t.

Her look changed from vicious to compassionate. I was both confused and panicking. It was difficult placing the look but I sensed she was looking at me in the exact manner she does whenever we’re in bed and she’s horny and is pushing her bum against me. I returned my phone to my pocket. Choosing instead to just stay still and stare straight ahead other than do anything and lose my ‘third leg’.

She then surprisingly scuttled closer to me.. Placed her head on my shoulder and dipped her hand into my palm. This time her claws didn’t dig in, they caressed my palm instead, teasingly drawing gentle circles on it. Her mood had changed. From the angry girl I’d boarded the bus with to a lover nestled close to what she believed was hers. And it remained that way till the time we parted. Is there a moral to this story? Doesn’t matter if there is. It all happened once upon a time. Just like this article i happened to write once upon a time.