I’m gonna start by warning you that this is a penis full article , if you have an issue with that word being repeated over and over then please exit this article and wait for me to write one about vaginas or assholes. Or better yet explore some of my better PG rated articles.

If you have a strong case of homophobia do not worry, the penis mentioning in question does not in any way involve any gay activities.. Maybe the part where me and another guy are taking a piss together in the open might come off as gay but with closer inspection you’ll realize there’s nothing much to it. Besides, urinals wouldn’t exist if two guys can’t take a piss in the same vicinity. But if you find yourself getting hard while reading this then I’m guessing the reason behind your homophobia is the guy hiding in your closet dude.. In fact, you gotta read through all this now as a test to see if you’re gay.

I have a friend of mine who refers to his penis as ‘Jeep.’ I thought at first that it was just an expression he was using because when narrating a sexcapade he said “I then asked her, do you want to hop on my jeep? And she pulled up her skirt and rode.” .. While he was narrating this I was like.. Damn, that’s an okay expression. It didn’t bother me.. But then this one time we were hiking with him across a bush ridden valley on our way to a really chill spot where we go to smoke.. Ahmm.. Cigarettes.. Yeah, we go to smoke cigarettes at that place.. Definitely Cigarettes and not anything illegal like.. God forbid.. Marijuana.. We both took a piss on some shrubs and he said “Sure feels good to pull out the Jeep in the open.”

I was aghast, I realized the first time he’d called his Penis Jeep wasn’t an expression but a nickname. I was like, “Wait, you’ve nicknamed your penis Jeep?“.. He looked at me like I was mentally handicapped. “Of course bro, you have to honor your penis.” I asked him how he came up with the nickname and he told me that his dream car is a Jeep.. Like, he pictures himself picking up girls with his Jeep, telling them to hop on. He added that he loves Jeeps so much that if he came across a magic lamp and was told he had three wishes he’d wish for 3 Jeeps.. I don’t know which Aladin movie he watched and I also don’t know if that meant he wants to have 3 penises. It’s all so confusing, why nickname your genitals?

I wasn’t against the idea of naming ones privates, I just found it absurd. I meditated on the matter and realized that maybe the reason I was so perplexed by the whole genital naming was because I didn’t have a name for mine. Most of the time the reason something is bothering you is because you want to do something but you don’t know how to do the said thing. In this case my buddy having a name for his penis that stems from a car bothered me because I didn’t have a name for mine plus I found it difficult to come up with one.

I liken my penis more to a train than a car but I can’t go ahead calling my Penis a train because that’d mean the railway is a vagina? And the train station is my boxers? I’m a perfectionist so in order to name my penis I’d have to make sure it’s a perfect name that doesn’t have any altercations. And this…this whole silly naming of the penis thing.. Is the reason one of my most promising relationships came to an end.

First forward into the future from the bush pissing moment with my buddy. It was during a lecture in campus that I decided to ponder a good penis name for myself no matter the cost. It’s not like I was missing much in the lecture, lecturers don’t even use the white board, they just come and dictate a pdf out loud. I wonder why they bothered, they could just send the whole class the pdf and use the time they use to read it out to us to discuss whatever it is they are dictating. It’s like you have to have notes to prove you’ve studied a subject, absurd..with time pen to paper will go extinct and.. Ah.. There I go drifting out of topic..Back to penises!

I couldn’t think of a car to name my penis with because I didn’t have a penile purpose behind the car. My buddy went the Jeep way because he imagined himself using the said car to pick up girls.. I don’t ever envision myself using cars to pick up women.. That’s what my brain is for. I feel like I’ll be disappointing my ancestors if I use cars to boost my body count. They worked hard to cultivate seduction techniques in my genetic make up, I can’t just throw all that away. So I needed a name that was a perfect metaphor for me.

My first option was The staff of Kyalo .. It’s a toy with The staff of Moses but the fact that I’m a Christian lessened my liking for the name because I can’t risk blasphemy, that’s the only unforgivable sin. Plus a staff is always hard and it’s not like my penis is always hard. I’m not a porn actor, most of the time it’s soft. So that should be a major factor in my naming of the penis and with that fact the perfect name came into mind. I decided to name my dick….(Drum rolls)…. Dragon of the south.

It’s a suiting name and I have reasons why it’s so. I told my girlfriend of the time those reasons when I was chilling with her post coitus. It was during that pillow-talk period where you both open up about all your shit.. Like laying it all out in the open because orgasmic bliss hasn’t faded and it’s blinding y’all to how dangerous spilling your heart out is… She was laying on my bare chest and I went like, “I’ve decided to name my penis The dragon of the south.” she asked why and I explained it to her.

“What does a dragon do most of the time? It sleeps! See? Just like a penis! Most of the time you’ll find a dragon asleep unless it’s awakened! Plus what does a dragon sleep on? Treasure that it hordes.. And what does the penis lie on? Testicles which are also referred to as Jewels. Plus testicles contain baby juice and children are always a treasure. The penis is also located to the south of the body so Dragon of the south is perfect.” I said.. It was indeed perfect. If I’d put this much effort to my studies back in highschool I’d be in Havard right now. I don’t think there’s anybody who has ever come up with a more well thought of name for their genitals.. Totally trumps Jeep.

“Wooooow, you really thought this through.” She said and laughed. I felt so happy and proud of myself. “Wait, dragons breath fire right? Does that mean you get a burning sensation when you pee?” she asked. Girls don’t like it when boys are happy. My smile vanished but a quick meditation on the question had me with the answer. “Okay, No. Where does the fire come from? From within the dragon. That means the fire resides in the dragon, in that sense a dragon is never cold in the same way my penis is always warm.” I’d literally fumbled for words in order to defend my penis name.

“Okay, that’s a really cool name, in that case my Pussy is the Dragon’s lare.” My girl said and nuzzled further onto my chest.. Unaware to her, I wasn’t smiling anymore. In fact, she’d pissed me off greatly .. What the fuck kind of name is that for a vagina? Plus a dragon spends most of its time in its lare and it wasn’t like I was always in her.. Sex is a maximum 20 minutes tops and 20 minutes out of 24 hours is a really small amount of time.. My boxers were more of the Dragon’s layer than her vagina! It was so obvious a fact and I told her so. “What’s my pussy’s nickname then if your dick is a dragon?” she asked. She seemed irritated too.

“I think your pussy is more of like, the village the dragon terrorizes, you know, a dragon always goes around attacking villages after it wakes from its slumber in the same way I attack your pussy with my dick.” In my anger I failed to recognize that I was setting myself up baaaaadly, hence why pillow talks are so dangerous. She pushed off me and glared at me,”So how many villages has your dragon of the south been terrorizing? Huh Kyalo? You’ve said villages not village, tell me Kyalo.”

She started claiming I’m cheating on her with other girls, I denied it, saying it was all just silly genital naming but then she demanded my phone to see if there truly were other ‘villages’ that ‘My dragon of the south’ has been terrorizing.. Lol.. There were other villagers, cities too. And that’s how I ended up single.. Fuck it, don’t name your penis anything other than it’s scientific name.. Let’s never give importance to one body part please, it won’t end well.