Life is shit. People are full of shit. Ik ik, you must be wondering what the fuck happened to this girl to make her this bitter😂. Especially on her bday. No Suzie, I didn’t catch my boyfriend cheating. At least not this time😂 and no Sharon, nobody died. Truth is I’m just a mess, a roller coaster of emotions really😒. I’d go to therapy but that shit is for whites and I’m as black as they come. So instead I’ll write about it under the pseudo name dead girl walking coz God forbid people know my life isn’t perfect😂.

Hear Me Out

Before you judge or dismiss me, hear me out first. To be honest writing about my shit wasn’t my first choice either. I almost decided to watch porn and masturbate myself into blissful state of mind. But alas, I just got my nails done and they are stickons. I don’t finger myself coz I’m at the amateur masturbation level so my worry wasn’t that they might fall off and get stuck inside my uterus. It’s that I might hurt my clitoris with these sharp talons I’m calling my nails for say the next 2 weeks😂.

Writing was the next best choice so here I am, wrapped in my Grey duvet, in nothing but a white t-shirt and a black lace thong, crying myself senseless, writing about my shit. Cheating, death, masturbation and thongs… I’ve managed to bring all that up in article that is supposed to be about my birthday. Wow, I surprise myself at times😳. I promise you’ll get why I’m so mad n disappointed. Just give me a couple of minutes. I just celebrated my bday. That’s 22 years of treading this beautiful yet fucked up place called earth.

Where It All Started

I discovered I had a twinnie so we decided to do a party together. At a club whose name shall not be mentioned because like I said earlier, God forbid people know dead girl walking is me and my life isn’t perfect .😂 If you heard us planning the bday party the day before, you would have killed to be on the invite list. We were sitted in some resort, drinking black and white, planning for the party of our lives. There were talks of an mj cake, a Gbag of Mj itself, SHISHA, a couple of high end mzingas, boys and what not. On paper it was perfect. I couldn’t have possibly predicted it would be such a big flop.

On The D Day of My Bday Party

Anyhu it’s the d day. I’m on that it’s my bday vibe. Excited AF. I left my bestie at my crib cooking some good food as I went to do my nails💅. You know, glam up lazima. Anyhu it took about 4 hours!!! To get a set of stickons!!🤦‍♀️ The line was crazy long. Mark you I hadn’t done my hair. So at 6 I’m rushing back home. The food is ready. I have a bite and then my friend starts doing my hair. This bestie of mine waaah. Abarikiwe tu. There’s nothing on earth she can’t do.

2 of my friends come over at around 7. We ask them to eat as we wait for my hair to get done. I don’t know what took us so long. But I think we left the house at around 10:30. Since I hadn’t had time to roll my stash, I asked our cab driver to pass by some street where we could buy us some blunts.

Arriving At The Club

My twinnie was already at the club. She had called earlier to say she had reserved a table and gotten a cake so I knew we were sorted. We get to the club and I call her because if we already got a table reserved, should we really have to pay the entrance fee? She gives me some story about how she cannot come outside because if she does our seats would be taken. I decide to pay the entrance fee for myself and 3 of my girls. 1200 ikalala ivo. We get in. I’m in thigh high boots and a cute, short skater dress. I have an extra outfit in my bag coz we had earlier agreed tulikua tuoshwe. You know. Full bday experience. My friends are looking fire too.

We start looking for them and spot them at the centre of the club. I’m immediately disappointed by the spot coz it’s not secluded. I get even more disappointed once I realize we don’t even have enough seats. The club is packed because Ethics are performing. Its my birthday and I can’t even get a seat. I’m standing along njia watu wanatumia wakienda loo or to the counter so people are bumping into me left right and centre. I have heels tusisahau. And apparently the table had been reserved not by word of mouth but using cash. Nkajiita mkutano and I begged myself not to trip. People are drunk and having fun. No need to be a Debby downer.

The Drinking Games Begin

There’s a bottle of black label on the table and 2 botis of William Lawson. Bought by my twinnie’s boyfriend. The JWB is halfway and the glasses at the table are not enough. I’m smiling but deep down I just wanna say fuck this shit. Anyhu eager to catch up, I say let the Drinking Games Begin and I suggest we do a round of shots. Unfortunately mzinga ikakalas before it even reached to my friends because the circle was big. At this point, my friends are annoyed at me. I should have started giving out shots from their end. I totally deserve the distasteful looks they are throwing at me.

Tukahustle glasses tukapata minus one. Somebody opened the William Lawson boti to my relief. But we were like 8 or 10 so before long that was over and done with too. My friends and I are sober AF because we’ve barely drunk any alcohol. Everyone else is lit like a mother fucker.

Ruined Bday Plans

Initially we were to spend say atleast 12k at the club on drinks. Coz everybody alikua anatoa 10k. So the other 8k was for vitu kama cake, blunts, food, cab or any other expense that came up. If I remember correctly, we were to buy a boti of sth sweet for shots. Na Red label mbili na southern comfort. On top of our mj cake and blunts, that should have been enough to get us fucked up which was what we wanted.

Anyhu once we finished the William Lawson, we needed to buy another drink. Coz like I said, my girls and I were sober. I mean I had only had a shot and one glass of liquor. Hapo ndio kizungumkuti ikaanza. Before we had arrived, they had already finished a bottle of black label. We drank the 2nd one which was already halfway. Black label costs about 5000.

So I started wondering how I would ask my twinnie for her share of the money. Coz the 2 of them combined cost 10gs. And inasmuch as the drinks were bought by her boyfriend, her boyfriend and her are the same thing. So I’m low key annoyed coz budget haiingiani Tena and I hate confrontations.

I call a waitress and ask for a bottle of Red label and 2 mixers. The club is so packed I think she even forgets. We order drinks from another one who decides to take her time.

The Most Annoying Bit of My Bday

The next annoying thing was when the Mc was doing bday shout outs. Apparently he wasn’t made aware of mine coz he only mentioned my twinnies’s name. In my head I was like this bitch. Ulireserve table ukasema bday ni yako pekee. Wah. To make it worse, acha keki haijatolewa. Imeandikwa Jina yake pekee😳🤣😂. I almost collapsed. 😂😂😂. Weeeh chest pains tu. I mean, what was the point of informing me you’ve gotten the cake ka it only had your name. Don’t say nobody told you, after shetani ogopa waschana. 😅

Remember When They Said Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining?

I walk out to smoke and calm my nerves and I bump into my friend. Let’s call him Aiden. He was there covering the event for the club. He takes me to some sacred place tuburn. I’m feeling happy and easy now. I come back to a bottle of red label so I’m a little relieved. We drink and party for a minute. Ethics walk on stage and we go absolutely bonkers. For Rekless that is. We are shouting and pointing at him, making suggestive faces and cheering him on. Those 10 minutes they were on stage were the best.

By the time I focus back on the table I realize mzinga iko katika kipindi cha lala salama😪. I decide to go and smoke up before coming back to buy another one. I take a couple of my friends including my twin. Please remember all this time we are minus 1 chair so we are switching. Mtu akichoka mwingine anamamkia😪.

After Session Chronicles ☺️

After kufanya mambo yetu, we head back to the club. While enroute Aiden approaches me and asks if I would like to light it up with Ethics. Omg!!!!!! We all excitingly shout yes. He asks us to follow him💃. Ndio Hao sisi nyuma yake gushing as he leads the way. The Gengetone crew is locked up in some room. For some reason, they had said they wouldn’t be taking any photos so I knew I was going in to just hang out and get lit. I wouldn’t have any evidence so I had to savor the moment.

We walk in the room and the first person we come across is Rekless. Waah. My knees are weak but I gather the strength to say hi😂😂😂. He’s good with conversations. He tells us he’s not taking any photos which we already knew. He does so politely though so I’m still enthusiastic, bright face, big smile, etc. Either way meeting him alone was enough for me. He leads us to where the rest of the crew is seated, getting baked. Swat was at the furthest corner, ameekelewa mguu na some chick. Next to him was now Rekless and some other guy. The other side had the other group members na ma groupie.

Katambe Katambe

We light the first ngusu. Ilifaa kua chain but it gets stuck somewhere. Before lighting up the next ngusu, tukachora formation to ensure everybody from my squad gets to hit atleast twice. While smoking that, some guy from the crew comes and asks me to pass him the blunt. I tell him Kuna chain, and I point to who I’m passing it on to next. Some dude WA crew Yao pia. Acha somebody’s son aanze kutrip.. Waah.

He starts shouting aty I have a crush on the guy hadi ngusu tu ni yeye nataka kupea🤣. I decide to walk out once I had had enough coz you know, why is a nigga tripping over shit I bought with my own money. He hadn’t given us nothing. Wao wenyewe walikua wanakunywa William Lawson or was it black and white. I just remember there were 3 green bottles among so many people. Can’t remember which brand of the two. Plus if I had a crush on smn it was Mr yes bana not the other whose name I didn’t even know.

Back At Our Table

I head back to our table. Apparently some of my friends had been locked out of the room tuki ingia and they were mad pissed. Wah. Nkaanza kufeel guilty. Thankfully, in that moment Aiden passed by our table and asked if we could go smoke and dance. I love whining my waist and getting lit so of course I said yes. About 10 minutes later I came back to our table to find empty seats. People had decided to leave na me ndio Sasa nlikua nmeanza ku jinys😭.

They call me and I go to the entrance. One of my friend ameibiwa simu😪😭😪 so moods zmeisha. Bestie ako kuzima. Twinnie and her crew want to go. Yet we had clearly stated club tutatoka asubuhi. I was so disappointed waah🤦‍♀️. But since nobody was in a partying mood we just went home. Make no mistake, I was cursing in my head the entire ride home🙄🧐🤦‍♀️. Most disappointing bday ever. Except for the rekless part😂 and my friends. My friends are amazing. If they ever come across this article and relate, I want them to know they are the absolute best.