Please please please don’t make it so obvious that you’re having sex. We’re not interested. Not one bit.

You ever find a calendar marked on top of dates? If the “marker” is advanced they use different colour pens. Well I have. My first interaction with this “marker” I was told she’s only but counting dates to when she’ll receive money from her Chama. It is only much later that I understood what it really meant. A secret previously shared amongst fornicators. Which reminds me, how many of these Chama meetings are legit? I know a few mamas I would rather not name attend Chama till midnight. Anyway not my business, not my monkey definitely not my circus. 

Ovulation Calendar

It is because of you however that I write, my dear “marker”. I would like to help you commit your sins more carefully. There’s this free app available on both ios and android, ‘flo’. I even went a step further and got you a direct link to their website so click it. Damn it. There’s also definitely contraceptives, a lot of them btw But I’m sure you know that. 

While I understand your reasons for not using contraceptives. I don’t understand why you think he will accept using one either ( at least not for long, at least not after he’s certain you want it as bad as he does. Maybe even more) pull out is only good enough for the first year perhaps. If it lasts that long anyway. But by then he will probably start slacking ‘hii si maji ya mbosho’ for the need of more thrill. You will crave it but dread the action mid session, too cautious that he might slack while you play.

I  just want you to be safe, you know. From one fornicator to another. We’ll probably burn in hell😂lol. Meanwhile, stay protected but most importantly be calculative. 

Flo; Period Tracker

Here’s a brief of what the whole rant is about. Flo is a period, menopause tracking, ovulation calendar, and pregnancy monitoring mobile application. It uses artificial intelligence and data science to monitor women’s health. Basically, it accurately marks your safe and unsafe days by use of different colours.

Blue for unsafe “Do not have sex” Red for Rolling “periods” and white for safe “fornicate in peace”

If you’re wondering why this specific app instead of recommending a bunch of them, well it’s because its tried and tested and partners with various health experts. It’s also very accurate. Can be used for both regular and irregular cycles. All you have to do is feed the right information, its that simple really. My favourite part of the app is the anonymous chat section. Get advice on those sexual questions you have but can’t ask. Laugh at the crazy things other girls do or has been done to them. No, this is not my app and no I don’t know the owner. I simply didn’t feel the need to sit on such important information.

For guys who are generally terrified of free things there’s a premium option on the Flo app, which allows you to pay. Use that option if you have excess money and lack a way of spending it. I’ll soon attach a link to all talk about contraceptives if that’s your poison of choice. Be sure to stay posted.

I’d very much like to shove this app up your… phones. (Smiles weakly) but it’s really up to you.